I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
that colleague who touches your screen
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
the composer
my dad has had enough
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”