I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave