Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲