I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago