I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.