My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The struggle is real
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Got him!
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.