I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Dammit Chief not again
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.