Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

That’s commitment

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.