I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me buying fruit and veg
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct