I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣