Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.