I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
also my go-to takeaway order
prepare for carbonated trouble
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.