I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
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Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Don’t we all.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
At ease
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.