I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I can’t stop laughing at this
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.