I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Always a metermaid never a meter
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato