I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
You Might Also Like
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.