I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
WHY?!
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.