I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.