I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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Simple enough.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.