I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Watson was Holmes schooled
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024