Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What about a To-Don’t List?

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”