I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A