I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.