I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
they really wanted me dead for this
