I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A man of commitment.
