I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol