I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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pizza
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
