I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Beware…..
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.