I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
those birds must be on payroll
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better