I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
You Might Also Like
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Happy Caturday!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.