I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Love this guy
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
never ask a starfish for directions
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.