I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.