Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.