I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you