I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”