Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.