I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.