Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Finally! 😈

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM