I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much