I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
You Might Also Like
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders