Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free