I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon