I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Favourite diary entry ever
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
