I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
March 16
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Breaking news:
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.