I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I need this for my side hustle.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Mistakes were made
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
no!! no!!!!!!
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either