I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
This probably isn’t good
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes