I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
🎵 I can’t wait to
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.