I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
You Might Also Like
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.