Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??