I would give up shouting at trees for you.
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Pretty much! 😂👀
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.