I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen