Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

OMG 🤣🤣

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.