I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with