I would guard your potatoes so hard.
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I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!