Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

I unironically love this joke.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

time machine? you mean a clock?