I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
God has abandoned us.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Home #decor warning.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.