I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
HELP 😭
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.