I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.