Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

*offers Batman cough drops*

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money