I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
