Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.