I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Perfect
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.