I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
You Might Also Like
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
weird email i got today
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
#Caturday
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour