I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*Inspirational Tweets*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
