Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it