I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.