Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

…

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff