I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.