I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
You Might Also Like
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m putting together a team
Cop lights are so pretty at night
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic