Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.