I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
You Might Also Like
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.