I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
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MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//