Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”