I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
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The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly