I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me