Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.