I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
it’s finally my moment to shine
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
🔥🔥